The First Fart
My very important thoughts on the role of farts in romantic relationships. You're welcome.
There’s the first date. The first kiss. The first time you make love. The first time you say, “I love you.” The first time you meet their parents. The first dance.
Then there’s the first fart.
Everything else is bullshit. The first fart determines the entire fate of your romantic relationship.
Stay with me.
Farts are good. Farts are healthy. Do they stink? Most of the time, yes, they certainly do. But not all farts are built the same. Some are loud. Some are silent. Some stink. Some don’t. Some are hilarious. Some are concerning. But at the end of the day, farts are good. And you should all be farting. A lot. Doctors consider 14-23 farts a day to be a healthy amount. Don’t kill the messenger.
And you know what I find so beautiful about farts? EVERYONE DOES IT. As the timeless Benjamin Franklin adage goes, “... in this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, and farts.” That’s definitely what he said.
That’s right, fellas, everyone farts. It’s a hard truth you’ll inevitably have to accept. And you can try to deny it all you want, but facts are facts. Margot Robbie farts. Zendaya farts. Sydney Sweeney farts. And, yes, even (GASP!) Beyoncé farts.
Now let’s talk about dating. Dating isn’t easy. And it can be exhausting. It’s kind of like job hunting. You spend countless hours applying to new jobs, maybe 5% of those jobs will call you in for an interview, you have to pitch yourself, try to convince them of the value you can bring to their business, and then maybe, just maybe, you’ll get the job. And just because you got the job doesn’t mean the job will last. You could soon realize the job isn’t the right fit and quit. Or your employer could realize you’re not the right fit and fire you. Then you start the cycle all over again and you find yourself asking whether or not you’ll ever find that forever job and if the problem was you or them and wow am I going to die alone?
Like I said, dating isn’t easy.
But let’s say you start dating someone. And it’s going really, really well. You both know what you want in a partner. You’re both mature and communicate well. You both have never felt this way about a romantic partner. You’re starting to fall in love. But you’ll both soon realize something extremely important.
You can’t hide your farts forever.
Sure, holding your farts in until your partner leaves your apartment has worked thus far. But at what cost? You certainly can’t keep that up for another 50 years or you’ll literally explode from all the gas inside you (might wanna check the science on that).
What’s even more curious is that you both know the first fart is inevitable. You’ve both thought about it time and time again, especially when your stomach starts to rumble. It soon becomes a cat and mouse game. Who will be the first to let it rip in front of the other? And how will the other person react? What if I fart and our relationship is never the same? Well, that’s kind of my argument. If the first fart is what causes a rupture in your relationship, you were never meant to be. Full stop.
Farts are natural. They’re as natural as an earthquake or an erupting volcano. There’s no stopping the natural world. There’s no stopping farts. And if your partner can’t understand and accept that, well, it was over before it even started.
Now, this isn’t me giving you license to be disrespectful with your noxious gases. There are respectful farts and disrespectful farts. If you’re farting and farting and farting near your partner with absolutely no warning or regard for their well being, then, well, you’re the problem. But if you let one loose every now and then, that’s okay. That’s life. And there’s another way you both can look at it. Humor is vitally important in the longevity of a romantic relationship. And at the end of the day, farts are funny. Farts are always funny.
So, when you feel a fart brewing deep in your bowels and your partner is near, make sure to gently rest your hand on their shoulder, look them right in the eyes, and say, “Baby... I’m so sorry for what’s about to happen. But it’s healthy. And necessary. And, well, I just love you so fucking much.”
Then, let it rip, and let destiny take the wheel.
