Darth Vader and the Estate Attorney

Ever wonder what Darth Vader might be up to when he's not ruling an entire empire?

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

CLOSE ON DARTH VADER (45, evil).

That helmet...

That breathing...

In... Out...

In... Out...

Terrifying.

We PULL BACK slowly...

...and REVEAL we’re in an office.

But not just any office. A SPACE OFFICE.

That’s right. This office is onboard an Imperial II-Class Star Destroyer.

Vader looks out the window at the stars...

Something’s on his mind...

Then, OLIVER QUIMBY (early 40s, British, estate attorney) walks in with a FILE in his hand. He’s a bit frazzled.

OLIVER: Alrighty. So sorry about the wait, Lord Vader.

He sits down at his desk across from Vader. Puts the file on the desk.

OLIVER: These damn printers, am I right??

He laughs nervously.

Vader doesn’t. He just sits. Staring. Breathing...

Oliver gets the message.

OLIVER: Right. Well...

He opens the file.

OLIVER: Here it is. Just as you asked.

He places the PACKET OF PAPERS in front of Vader. CLOSE ON the TITLE PAGE:

Last Will & Testament

Vader takes a good look at it...

It’s never comfortable looking at these sorta things. Even for Vader.

He turns the title page over.

And begins to read...

Silence now. No intense breathing from Vader. He just reads.

And Oliver looks on. Not sure what to think of this, nervous as ever...

The silence starts to get unbearable for Oliver.

Too unbearable.

OLIVER (casual): So... how are the kids?

Oh no. Oh god Oliver. Why would you say that???

OLIVER (shocked): Oh my god. I’m so sorry, Lord Vader. I- I didn’t mean-

DARTH VADER: What is this.

Vader’s breathing starts up again. In... Out...

OLIVER (hesitant): Well... it’s your will, sir...

Vader aggressively POINTS at something on the paper.

DARTH VADER: No. What the hell is this, Oliver.

CLOSE ON the PAPER. Only two words:

Annakin Skywalker

Oliver looks at it.

OLIVER: Uh... that’s your name, sir...?

Vader stares at him. More breathing...

DARTH VADER: Not anymore. (ominous) Oliver.

Beads of sweat begin to appear on Oliver’s forehead.

OLIVER: Right. I realize that, sir. But for purposes of the legal documents, we must put... well... (shaky)...your legal name.

More staring. More breathing. In... Out...

DARTH VADER: So change my legal name. Now.

This unsettles Oliver. He’s a “by the books” kind of guy. He gulps. He’s fully perspiring now.

OLIVER: But sir... I’m afraid that’s another department. I can’t... legally do that.

Oliver looks at Vader.

Vader looks at Oliver. Breathing...

Oliver tries not to break eye contact. His heart pumping...

Vader stares back. Getting scarier and scarier, until —

IN ONE FLUID MOTION, VADER STANDS UP, OPENS HIS TERRIFYING RED LIGHT SABER, AND CUTS OLIVER’S DESK IN HALF!!!

Oliver stares up at him. Almost catatonic. Definitely peed himself.

The sound of that light saber HUMMING in the background...

Then —

Oliver quickly picks up the will, pulls out a pen, and crosses out “Anakin Skywalker”. Just below the crossed off name, he writes “Darth Vader” in shaky, sloppy handwriting.

He looks up at Vader —

OLIVER (nervous smile): All done!