A Look Inside My Nightstand

I feel like someone’s nightstand can tell you a lot about a person. Is it sparing and tidy? Not a spec of dust? Is there a lamp? Alarm clock? Books? What are inside the drawers? Are they filled to the brim and a total mess? Sparing and organized?

I was staring longingly at my nightstand the other day, as a totally normal person does, and I noticed how clean and organized the outside was. One lamp. One alarm clock. One book. One coaster (respect fake wood). One eye mask. Freshly dusted.

It looked great on the outside. Respectable one might say. Here, see for yourselves:

But inside the drawers...? The inside might tell a different story. Only I knew the true horrors that rested within one particular drawer in my nightstand. Some of you may know the drawer I speak of. Those that don’t, I envy you.

The drawer in question?

The top drawer.

Now, I can’t be the only person in the world whose contents of the top drawer of their nightstand looks like a massive tornado just swept through a landfill.

Right?

Right...?

My top drawer feels a lot like Mary Poppins’ purse, only less practical and less cool. Just when you think you’ve reached the bottom surface of the drawer, you pull out a loose AA battery or a CVS receipt from four years ago. It’s somehow filled to the brim and endless all at once.

I bet you’d like to see it, wouldn’t you?

Ladies and gentleman, without further ado...

The inside of my top drawer:

Some of you may have just gasped, the chaos and disorder making your skin crawl. Some of you may have just shamefully nodded, faintly recognizing — or possibly mistaking — the drawer as your own.

After I stared longingly at the tidy exterior of my nightstand — again AS A NORMAL PERSON DOES — I was immediately brought back to earth, knowing damn well what mayhem lay on the inside.

And while I knew there was disorder and disarray on the inside, I couldn’t at all guess what the actual contents were. So I did as any NORMAL PERSON would do.

I took an inventory of the top drawer of my nightstand FYE (for your entertainment).

KEVIN’S TOP DRAWER INVENTORY

Let’s get right into it.

The “Essentials”

- Ibuprofen

- Ibuprofen PM

- Generic Allergy Pills

- Extra Strength Acetaminophen

- Tylenol

- 4 COVID tests

Let’s pause for a moment. One might ask, Do you really need all of those pain relievers? or, Why don’t you put them all in an organized medicine cabinet? Well, riddle me this, reader... When you wake up with a gnarly hangover because last night you thought one more drink couldn’t hurt, but that one drink turned into six drinks, would you rather walk — like a total amateur — all the way to your medicine cabinet that’s across your apartment, OR... turn over in your bed, without opening your eyes, reach into your nightstand drawer, and pop the maximum amount of pain relievers with the minimum amount of effort?

Yeah... that’s what I thought.

Okay back to the drawer. What else we got, Kev?

The “Not So Essentials”

- Lip Balm

- Lighters

- Face Masks

- Remote w/ no batteries

- Reading Light

- Band Aids

- Altoids

- Edibles (weed!)

- Joints (weed!)

GASP! MARIJUANA?! YOU DO MARIJUANA?! Hey Nancy Regan, it’s 2023 and I live in Los Angeles. Grow up.

The “There Could Definitely Be a Better Place for These”

- Passport

- Social Security Card

- Checkbook

- Wallet

Great, now I have to move these to a different drawer in case any professional burglars are reading this.

Back to the drawer. One might call these:

The “Why in the Fuck Do You Still Have These You Psycho!”

- Receipt for Triple Beam Pizza from early 2022

- Receipt for Chick Fil A from early 2022

- Parking Lot Map for the Rose Bowl in Pasadena

- Updated Voter Registration Receipt

- Receipt for a wet suit bought in 2021

- Empty pack of gum

Look, I have no excuses for these. If you took me to court and put me on the stand to explain these five items, I’d have no other choice but to plead the fifth for the sake of my future and my family’s reputation.

Okay. You now know what secrets lay deep inside the dark caverns of my nightstand.

So. What does all of that say about me?

Does it say my life is manicured and presentable on the outside, but a total mess with no sense of organization or focus on the inside? Am I a hidden hoarder? Am I hiding something emotionally? Am I too worried about how I seem on the outside, forgetting to thoughtfully observe, mine, and throw away the useless internal conflicts and criticisms?

Maybe.

Or maybe it’s just a fucking nightstand!